Jar full of pickles

So here it goes:

At 22 I failed the first CKE, and it was probably one of the toughest moments in my life. I felt like I was not smart enough, not good enough. And along with the whole Justin shenanigans, it couldn’t get worse.

I experienced my first busy season. Felt the life of workin from 8-9pm, not seeing daylight, not seeing friends and family, and basically not having a life for 2 months!

All rewarded at the end by my beloved manager, Bonnie, with enough points for an iPad. That moment made all the other screw ups felt like nothing. And it’s not the fact that the iPad is amazing. But more the mere fact of being proud I manage to pick myself up, to do something I barely enjoy with quality, and to be recognized for it.

It can only be uphill from here!

I’m starting to forget what being happy is like. 

Fuck.

At the end of the day, what matters?

All I want is someone to tell me “it’s okay, everything will be okay.” At the end of the day, I just want to talk to you and have everything be the same. And not for u to leave for the gym… I just want us to TALK. NORMALLY. And for you to show that you care…am I just being stupid?? Is this clear that you don’t want anything to do with me anymore? So cold, so cold…

I miss my friend :(

Gosh, I stay online just to see that you’re still online, that you still exist… pathetic, right? 

I’m trying so hard to suppress everything inside and outside people just think I’m a walking zombie. 

Poop

Hey youuuu… Sigh, today we finally stopped talking. I guess it was a mutual agreement…but I can’t believe how easily it is for you to take it. Like with the flip of a switch, you can suddenly stop caring. And it hurts :(  The only reason I signed off so quickly was because I didn’t want you to see me crying again :(   And I’m upset because you had to much time to prepare yourself for it…ever since your birthday for goodness sake…while keeping me in the dark. The whole time you were doubting, I was trying not to bother you because I thought it was work that stressed you out. Wouldn’t it have been easier if we talked it out sooner? But I guess its better that nothing was decided till you were back in HK… I would never have the heart to break it to you while you were in frigging Nigeria…

I just miss you a bit, that’s all. The old Justin who’d joke around with me, tell me what’s right or wrong, and just… was care-free. Even if the world was falling down. And that’s what I love about you… 

Got off at noon today!! PHEW. First week is over and done with… did I learn much? Not really. Am I excited to be on engagements? Not so much. For some reason I just want it to be over and done with. I just want to get the next two years over and done with…then to what? 

I would talk to you, but you’re being really cold right now. I don’t feel like being needy right now… 

Today we finally had a normal, happy family dinner!! So glad my aunt is here…she helps me ease the tension at the dining table. It’s so relieving to be able to just have a meal without arguing all the time…

I’d reply to your whatsapp right now but I don’t know what to say to which you won’t give me a one word reply. My heart aches a bit. Hope you’re doing better than me…from the looks of it, seems like you are anyways. 

We’ll be talking tomorrow, let’s see how that goes. You, missy, do not do anything stupid and irrational. 

Hey, haven’t spoken to you in awhile… How’ve u been? Resting mustve been heavenly the past few days! It’s well deserved since you did put in your fair share the past few weeks. I’m sorry I wasn’t more considerate.

It’s been 3 days of real life and it’s already scaring me…this is when you usually tell me “why are you scared? There’s nothing to be scared about” and then reason me out of being scared. Gosh doing this on the train isn’t such a good idea…okay Casey, breathe and hold em in!! Scare those tears away! Thatta girl. Oh, I finally fixed the login problem with the work laptop. Took two full days!! How inefficient is Canada… And I needed it to work in order to place a request for a new USB drive (extra security feats) because stupid didn’t have my brain screwed on right and lost it the first day. All your fault!! It’s all I can think about…

I go home and all I want to do is tell you about my day. I want to know how you’ve been. I miss you. Maybe just talking to you…I’ve convinced myself to stop missing the physical you. Aren’t you proud?!

Its silly but I talk to loz more to feel connected to you…just knowing that you’re in the room next door. Stupid, right? Well glad to know he moved in things for you! Less work :)

Can you please work less? I really am worried about you…after experiencing my first 12+ hour work day on the first day, I’ve realized how demanding your lifestyle is… It’s not your choice but it’s something you have to do. It’s part of life.

It feels like you don’t want to talk anymore and you want time to yourself. But don’t worry, I’m preparing for the worst. Even though it seems like I want you more than the other way around, I’m ready. And I’m not afraid to let you know that. Frig, you have no idea how long I’ve had my walls up for just to protect myself. Now I’m standing here, naked, nothing to hide. My pride doesn’t matter anymore. All I want is you. If it’s not the case for you…then so be it. At least I tried.

Stop ignoring me, I miss you :(

Him

Whenever I have the urge to say something irrational, all I can do is bite my tongue and wait till the rush of emotions washes out. And same as before, all I can do is trust that nothing’s changed…

I really miss the

“Morning”s,

“Good Night”s,

“Miss you”s, and

“xx”s.

Now I’m lucky if we even get to have a conversation. And when I think of how much time she had with him the green monster kicks in. I wish I had that much time :(

Maybe once my schedule packs in a bit I won’t have the time to over think…

Expect nothing.

Life

Work starts in a few days… I’m not ready to accept it yet. I’ve never worked a full-time job in my life, not even sure if last summer even counted! I practically had zero responsibility and it was “okay” if I screwed up because that’s what is expected of interns. But EEKS no more of that anymore! The big world calls for big responsibilities, and grown up decisions. No longer can I whine about waking up early or not having enough time to relax because that’s life. We have to deal with it.

At the same time I can’t wait…can’t wait for real life to start. I’ve been working towards something the past 4 years and the day is approaching soon! I still remember being on the fence of whether or not to pursue accounting and being tipped over by the father to choose it. And wow was I an emotional wreck at the moment…thank goodness for living out!! Then I remember being upset about NEARLY not making the cutoff mark and worried, so very very worried, that the company might revoke my job offer because of that. So all in all, I’m very grateful for not having to worry about a job, yet anxious that I won’t be able to meet expectations since, well you know, my worst marks WERE in accounting courses… ahh we’ll see!!

I also can’t wait to meet a more diverse bunch of people! Everyone with different backgrounds and from different programs, it’s just interesting to see what else is out there. I’m tired of seeing cookie-cutter human beings in Rotman!

T-3 till life. Bring it, bitch.

I just wonder if he actually cares anymore…but all I can do is trust that he does and trust that nothings changed.

But what’s the point of holding on to something too tightly? We have no right to hold on. If any thing still decided to come running back to you, consider yourself lucky.